Haven Help System

There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car
when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual
name, The Even Steven. Since it was located in the middle of a desolate
stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place would
be, he decided to stop there for the night, and satisfy his curiosity about
the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is
Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even
Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask
questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie
appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business." "It hasn't brought
me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's
not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another
soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it
pretty lonely especially being an old widower. And worse still for my
daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have
their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about
to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein
until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent
home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced
herself as Blanche Even; and when he was finished she still kept pressing
him to ask for anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like
me to sit and talk to you for a while?" "Thank you," he said politely, "but
I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock
at the door and an absolutely breath-taking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen
Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want." "I
think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of travelling, so I
pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and got rid of her, he climbed in between
the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form
when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a
negligee to end all negligees. "I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted
to be sure your bed was comfortable." "It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it myself?"
"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to
put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the
proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter
with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an'
wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show
you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good
enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."


The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he
was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,
34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe
thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see...
size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was
18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a


God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better". The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said,
"They are rules for living". "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not
kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."

God then went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments". The Blacks wanted
an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't
know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also
wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're
not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too
wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not
commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments". "Commandments?"
They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10."